They say you should never shop for groceries while hungry, let’s see if that applies to writing columns, too.

Hello everyone, it’s your favorite fake uncle back with some tasty information on how to not die of starvation or nearly burn down O’Bannon with the Easy Mac you forgot to add water to when microwaving.

Despite what you might hear, we have some pretty good food on campus. Let’s talk about that.

The Loft

Yeah, people on Yik Yak seem to constantly be contracting the runs from The Loft, but I attribute that more to low-hanging comedic fruit and weakling gastrointestinal tracts than Sodexo lightly poisoning us on the daily.

As a commuter who has no meal plan, The Loft is rarely my choice for dining. If you do choose to eat at The Loft, I would highly suggest going for foods that are temporary additions to the menu. Those will always be the freshest items.

Also try to avoid anything decidedly complex in its design. General Tsao chicken requires a legitimate cooking vessel to produce. The Lofts’ reductionist version of this dish really is nothing more than popcorn chicken thrown in a wok with a smattering of sauce and whole lot of burnt taste.

Simple foods are harder to screw up — pizza, , salad, spaghetti.

Red Mango

I seriously cannot think of more than two faults for Red Mango. By nature of being a yogurt/smoothie location, they do not have a healthy offering of actual solid food, and they don’t stay open past five.

Kick-ass healthy options at Red Mango, New flavors of yogurt every week — you should go right now.

Simply To Go

Avoid anything with a sauce or a combination of liquid ingredients. Lettuce will be wilted by noon, mayo will seep through bread and anything with the word “salad” after a meat will be a sloppy mess of blandness.

Don’t. Just… don’t.

Fiesta Fuego

A campus favorite, this little Tex-Mex eatery is good if you need to get protein and carbs in your face-hole immediately. The problem here is the popularity of the location. Lunch rush will see upwards of fifty people in line at any one time while three workers frantically try to serve the crowd.

I dig the place, but there are only so many flavor combinations possible.

You might notice I have not discussed every place on campus. This is due to my either being rampantly apathetic towards their food or I’ve never sampled their wares. Sorry, not sorry.