My address to the (kindergarten) graduates

    Good early afternoon to everyone, and congratulations to the graduates for making it this far.

    Just think:  a mere year ago you all arrived for your first year of school as burgeoning toddlers; unformed youths more interested in mining the depths of your nasal cavities than the depths of your brains.

    Speaking of which, allow me take this opportunity to assure Jimmy Keith that one cannot easily access the brain through the nasal cavity.

    So, when you shove your finger far up your nose, immediately start drooling and loudly saying “Dur, I’m retarded, dur,” I’m not buying it.

    But let us move on to something more important than lobotomies:  let us discuss your future.

    After an extremely short summer break, each of you will return to this school to enroll in first grade, and you will notice the difference immediately.

    Gone will be the half-days spent drinking chocolate milk from plastic pouches and quietly playing with blocks in the corner during 10 a.m. break time.

    You will instead be exposed to recess – a veritable Vietnam of teasing, obnoxious cliques and exceedingly violent kickball games.

    It will be the best part of your day.

    You will learn to crave it deeply, and may even develop hallucinatory, pink elephant-ish withdrawals.

    But, of course, the teachers will withhold recess from you – because they are sadists.

    What’s that Jimmy?  Oh, allow me to explain:  sadists are people who receive physical satisfaction from causing and witnessing the pain of others.

    But let us move on to something more important than sadism:  let us discuss your education.

    You will eventually move on from the tedious task of tracing m’s and t’s and soon find yourself studying more complex subjects like ethics and literature in college.

    This reminds me of a funny story.

    One day, a young giraffe was walking through the savanna when an unexpected rain hit.

    He eventually ran under a large tree for cover and found an older, unkempt and bearded giraffe doing the same.

    “Quite a storm we’re having, isn’t it?” the young giraffe said to the older giraffe.  “Next thing you know, Noah will float on by in his Ark!”

    The older giraffe thought awhile, and then turned toward the younger one.

    “You’re an idiot,” the older giraffe said.

    (Pause)

    The humor in that story escapes me now, but let us move on to something more important than non-literal readings of scripture:  let us discuss success.

    Graduates, let me assure you:  success can come in many forms.

    Maybe you were successful this morning when you avoided dripping pudding on your new t-shirt during snack time, or when you “socked” Alan Sailor in the nose for eating all your crayons.

    One day success won’t come so easy.

    Instead of going to school for half a day and spending summers seeing if you can squirt yourself with a garden hose for 100 seconds without drowning, you will someday have to work a job while slogging through four – or five – years of college.

    During that time, you will be successful in meeting interesting people, and you will be equally successful in losing them.

    But after each failure comes success.  It may not necessarily come in that order, but be patient.

    At the end of a graduation speech David Foster Wallace gave at Kenyon College – what’s that, Jimmy?  Oh, he’s kind of like a really wordy Dr. Seuss – he said, simply, “I wish you way more than luck.”

    I wish you all the same, and remember:  when offered the choice between an Animal Cracker and an Animal Cookie, always choose the latter.

    You will only have your metabolisms for so long.

    And for God sakes Jimmy, take your fingers out of your brain.