Recipes and rage

Turkey

The staple of any traditional Thanksgiving meal, the turkey provides the makeshift chef with a truly terrifying, Silence of the Lambs experience.

If frozen, allow the turkey plenty of time to defrost.

Online cooking Web sites (Foodnetwork.com, elise.com, etc) recommend anywhere from 3-5 hours of defrost time per pound.

So - if you buy the standard fifteen-pound poultry ice-corpse - strap the bird into the front seat of your car and drive to Kansas and back. 

By the time you cross the Indiana state line for the second time, the bird should be ready for its pre-bake festivities.

Remove the giblets from the turkey’s cavity.
(Translation:  rip the heart, gizzard and liver out of the turkey’s ass).

As you hold the entrails of a once beating, vibrant animal in your trembling hands, remember:  you can save the organs to use as stock for a delicious and festive dressing, if culinary-ily inclined.

Once the bird is sufficiently scooped out, wash the inside and outside of the bird thoroughly, and then proceed to rub the bird with olive oil and/or butter for added flavor and color.

Pay attention to the turkey’s pressure points and massage gently.

You can even light candles and put some new age, wildlife ambiance on the stereo for maximum relaxation.

(If stuffed, tie the turkey’s legs together with non-nylon string to avoid anal spillage.

Once tied, feel free to drive your turkey down to the Ohio street railroad tracks, place it on said tracks and laugh maniacally as you wait for a train to come round the bend.) 

You’re now ready to place your turkey in a large baking pan.

Most grocery stores carry cheap, disposable baking pans that work just as well as more expensive, permanent alternatives.

Place the bird in the pan either breast up or breast down - although most recipes recommend the former - and pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees.

For increased juiciness, my mother recommends a Reynold’s “baking bag.” 

Then again, my mother also recommends I “keep my smart mouth shut at the dinner table, get a real job and stop messing around with this fanciful, unicorn, writing crap” so you never know.

Preparation time:  around 5 hours

Stuffing

Since you’ve run the full wheel of human emotion in your turkey preparation, stick to the easy, delicious, Stove-Top variety stuffing.

Stove-Top stuffing also provides a viable alternative to those weird Thanksgiving-ers nervous about consuming food once nestled inside a dead animal’s sphincter.

To prepare, bring 1 and a half cups to a boil, toss in contents of the stuffing box and “let stand” for five to six minutes.

For added flavor, I recommend plenty of trans-fat free butter spread and even a dash of olive oil.
Then again, I recommend my mother respect my career choice and remember we all can’t complain and nag for a living.

Preparation time:  around 10 minutes.

Yams

Cheap, canned varieties of yams - carried by Schnucks and most likely all Evansville grocery stores - can cut hours off your Thanksgiving preparation time.

Although canned yams are already immersed in syrup, add a half cup of brown sugar and plenty of trans-fat free spread (again) for increased taste/diabetic shock.

Dump contents of can into a sauce pan and put it on low heat.

Once the syrup nearly reaches the boiling point, add your brown sugar and butter spread.

Remember to stir thoroughly to keep the yams from resembling stomach-acid vomit.

Speaking of which:  never eat yams at my mother’s house.

They’re not as good as she thinks they are, and she really needs to get over herself and stop her damned, incessant bragging.

Preparation time:  around seven minutes.

Pumpkin pie

Many grocery stores carry ample pumpkin pie baked on site.

Buying your desert as opposed to making it can increase the enjoyment of your post-apocalyptic-dinner indulgence.

My mom used to bake pumpkin pie all the time, but suddenly decided she didn’t have time to bake one for me because, hey, I think I’ll start a catering business in Orange County.

Who is unrealistic now, mother?

How many catered functions are there in Orange County?

The basketball team can only win the sectional once a year and, last time I checked, most married couples prefer fried chicken and Busch Light at their wedding receptions to baked salmon and chardonnay.

I’m never coming home for Thanksgiving again.  Do you hear me?  Never, ever, ever, ever again!

Preparation time:  0 minutes

Total time:  5 hours, 17 minutes